James Pond Wars
by the arnie fanclub
Summary: A very silly (but, we've heard, quite amusing) original Star Wars trilogy spoof script. Set in the animal kingdom. Enjoy!
1. Part the First

**Introduction**

_Hello! Our names are Anna and Natalie, aka browneyed_girl and Miss Kitty. This is a project we have been working on over the last 2 years in our science lessons instead of working. After getting two thirds of the way through we made it into a stage play for our end of school assembly, and managed to get some geeks and misfits (like ourselves) to perform it. It was a **GREAT** success...Well not really - anyone who would have understood the jokes was in it! However we were undeterred and now at last, never before seen on the internet, for your entertainment and enjoyment The Arnie Fanclub presents..._

**The Good**

(in order of appearance...kind of) 

Flea- A flea, also a microchip and accomplished lounge singer. 

James Pond- Our plucky hero and also a goldfish. 

Princess Yak- Rebellion Leader. Stunningly beautiful in a hairy kinda way. 

O-Bendy-Dingo- the ozzie geezer with a score to settle. 

Han Llama- Outsider and bit'o'rough, but inside an all round good guy. 

Ciabatta- The **REAL** star of the show! Han's warthog co-pilot and voice of skepticism in the proceedings. 

Yodel- Greedy, selfish, amazingly talented Jelly Knight, a bit eccentric in his old age.

**The Bad**

Darth Carp- Tortured, noble, but evil nonetheless. 

And, our celebrity guest star, EVERYONES favourite film star and our all-time hero ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as the Evil Dr Chipmunk- a mad military genius with aspirations of universe domination. 

The Starship Gerbils- Deadly minions, bent on their own death for glory.

**The Ugly**

Martha Focker the Mutt- Crime Lord. Embittered by his womans' name. 

Lando- Slimy turncoat and two-faced hispanic crustaceon. 

General Polly- Battle scarred war hero, has uncontrollable screeching fits. He's not that ugly really except he ain't got no tail. Poor sod. 

In...

  
  


**James Pond Wars**

**A long time ago in a fishpond far far away....**

Lived a goldfish with a shiny black tail. He had lived with his aunt and uncle fish for his whole life and dreamed of becoming an intergalactic spy.... Little did he know that on a planet named Toilet Seat (it loses a little in translation from the native language), lived the rebellion group Partners of Opposition, or P.O.O for short, sworn to stop the evil Dr Chipmunk before he builds his ultimate fighting machine the ' Death Car,' which runs over planets like a mighty space juggernaut.... 

Meanwhile, rebellion leader Princess Yak sends out Death Car plans on a microchip disguised as a flea. After the ship carrying the flea is attacked by Dr Chipmunks minions, the starship gerbils, the flea is launched into space and lands on James ponds pond three days later. The saga begins...................

  
  
* * *   


**A desert landscape, with nothing moving for miles around. Suddenly EEEEEEEEAAHHHHHHH pok as a tiny flea shoots down through the atmosphere and lands in the dust. BOING AHH BOING OWW BOING AHHEEH plop. The burning flea lands in the pond. SSSSSSSS. The flea sinks down into the pond, and flump lands in a frogspawn field. James Pond sees the bubbles and swims over.**

James Pond: What the - 

Flea: Eeek! Biboloby beep? 

James Pond: Ahh, I see you are not English. Parlez vous Francais? 

Flea: Blop? 

James Pond: Spechst die Deutch? 

Flea: Blipblop!! 

James Pond: Blippety bloppety blip? 

Flea: Blip! *** Subtitles from now on***

James Pond: Where have you come from? 

Flea: Toilet seat 

James Pond: Eh? 

Flea: Must - reach - toilet seat. I carry - message for POO. 

James Pond: Eh? 

**Flea projects message onto a nearby pondweed.**

Princess Yak: Help me O-Bendy Dingo you're, my only hope! 

James Pond: Who is that Yak she's beautiful! 

**BOING! The flea suddenly springs into action and starts boinging away. James Pond swims after him in hot pursuit.**

James Pond: Hey, wait! Tell me about that Yak! 

**James Pond follows on his propellered scooter. Flea hops out of the pond, and James Pond pauses to put on his breathing apparatus. Flea jumps to the home of Benjamin Dingo, Esquire.**

James Pond: Ben Dingo. Could he be O-Bendy-Dingo? Does he know this Yak? 

Ben Dingo: James? James Pond? It is I, Ben Dingo! Who is your friend? 

James Pond: This here is a flea. He contains a beeyootiful Yak! 

Ben Dingo: Eh? 

James Pond: He is asking for O-Bendy-Dingo! Would you know of such a person? 

Ben Dingo: Why I Am O-Bendy-Dingo! 

James Pond: Then you DO know this Yak? 

Ben Dingo: Yak? What Yak is this? 

James Pond: Fleas Yak! 

Ben Dingo: Yak Yak? 

Flea: BLEEP! 

Flea plays whole message 

Princess Yak: O-Bendy-Dingo, you were a friend of my father - you must help me! These plans are imperative to the rebel alliance, and need to be returned to General Jaws the Mighty II on Toilet seat! Help me O-Bendy-Dingo, you're my only hope! 

James Pond: Wow can we watch that again? 

O-Bendy-Dingo: That is Princess Yak! This flea must contain vital information. 

James Pond: A princess? 

O-Bendy-Dingo: The starship gerbils will be looking for it. You must go home! 

**James Pond jumps on his scooter and rides home. As he does, he can see steam in the distance. He rides over the hill to see his pond..... DRAINED!**

James Pond: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   
  
**Part 2 Coming Soon....**   
  



	2. Part the Second

  
**A belated disclaimer:** The arnie fanclub does not own the characters these fluffy fellas are based on. Please don't hurt us, Lucasfilm!   
  


* * *

  


**James goes back to O-Bendy-Dingo and together they go to the spaceport to search for a pilot to take them to POO. In a historical pub called 'The Merry Toad' they find one.**

Han Llama: Hi. I'm Han Llama. Ciabatta here tells me you need a pilot. 

James Pond: That's right. Its imperative we go to POO. 

Han Llama: Go to POO. I really think that's the kind of thing your parents should be teaching you, not me. 

James Pond: No, the organisation POO. On Toilet seat. 

Han Llama: Hey kid I was only joking. 

Ciabatta: HUUUUUUUUURR! 

Han Llama: What's that? 

Ciabatta: HUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRR! 

Han Llama: Ah. I see. My esteemed co-pilot says we should make tracks. Meet me at docking bay 94 in an hour. 

James Pond: Okay! 

O-Bendy-Dingo: What about the money? 

Han Llama: We'll discuss that later, old dingo. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: While we're waiting, James, it's time for me to tell you something. Do you know anything about your father? 

James Pond: I heard he was the best pilot in the whole galaxy. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Darn tootin'! However, he was also an intergalactic jelly spy! He was murdered by Darth Carp! 

James Pond: Darth Carp, I've never heard of him, my aunt and uncle said papa died in a scooter accident. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Well, you could say that... anyway, you must follow in your father's footsteps. You too must become a Jelly spy! 

James Pond: And die on a scooter. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: No, no, idiot boy! He did not die on a scooter! You think jelly spies use vehicles like that? 

James Pond: Well what are they supposed to use? 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Haven't you heard of a jelly-mobile? It's a type of tricycle. 

James Pond: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Its time we met that pilot!   
  


* * *

  


**Meanwhile.**

Han Llama: I'm telling you, Martha, I'll have the money soon! 

Martha Focker: Woof Woof bow-wow grrrrrrrrr. 

_*Subtitles* You'd better, Llama. I don't take kindly to llamas that owe me money, you know!_

Han Llama: I know Martha, and that's why I'll get it to you! 

**On the way out....**

Han Llama: Martha Fockers got a price on my tail. 

Ciabatta: HUUUUUUR! 

Han Llama: Yeah, I know. Come on, lets get to the Green Falcon. 

**On the way to the dock.**

James Pond: Oh no Starship Gerbils! We'll never get past them! 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Don't worry. 

Gerbil 1: Hey stop right there! 

O-Bendy-Dingo waves his tail. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: That's okay. Everything is in order. 

Gerbil 1: Everything is in ord-er. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: You'll get us some orange sher-bert. 

Gerbil 1: I'll get you some orange sher-bert. 

James Pond: Wow! How did you do that? 

O-Bendy-Dingo: It's an ancient jelly mind trick. 

James Pond: Can you teach me? I'd love some lemon sherbet. 

O-Bendy-Dingo: Of course! You must become a jelly spy and help defeat the evil Dr Chipmunk! 

HL: Come on, it's time to go. 

OB: Run! They've spotted us! James, do you have the flea? 

JP: He hopped ahead, he's already here. 

Starship Gerbil - Wait! I've brought you your orange sher-bert! 

OB: Oh, thanks. 

SG2: Halt! 

HL: Run, you fools! Ciaby, start up the engines! 

C: HUUUUUUU 

HL: Let's get this show on the road. Ciaby, are we ready? 

C: HUUUUUURRR 

HL: Great. Hurry up, you old dingo! 

**They get into the Green Falcon and take off, avoiding the Starship Gerbils that pour into the square.**

JP: Can you fly this thing? Wait - what the hell is that? 

HL: Imperial K-wings, watch out, we're in for a rocky ride. 

**A plane spins straight at them, a gerbil in breathing apparatus at the wheel.**

Gerbil - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe.... 

HL: Holy Crap! 

**Han Llama closely avoids the gerbil by swerving upwards.**

JP:I've never seen anything like that before! 

HL: kamikaze gerbils, don't let their fluffy faces fool you kid, they can come out of anywhere, and they stop for nothing. Ciaby, prepare for lightspeed! 

**ZOOOM!**   


* * *

**On board the dreaded Death Car**

Captain Haddock - for the last time princess Yak, where are the plans? 

PY: I will not hand them over! 

**Darth Carp approaches.**

DC: General! Has she talked? 

Gen: No sir. We can't get anything out of her. 

DC: send her to the cell block. She will be persuaded... or she will soon see the full extent of damage this Death Car can do! 

PY: what do you mean? 

DC: we shall test this death car, and your home planet of Toilet Seat will be the first. 

PY: you wouldn't! 

DC: you will talk! 

**The Princess spits at his mask.**

DC: ugh, Yak spit. 

* * *

**Darth Carp has removed Princess Yak from her cell and brought her to the bridge with the view of Toilet Seat.**

DC: tell us where the rebel base is, or your planet gets it! 

PY: Ok, I'll tell you. It's on Simba. 

DC: Simba? Very well. General, start up the engines. 

PY: what? But you said... 

DC: I lied. Hahahahahaaaaa 

**The death car revs. Princess yak watches helplessly as the Death Car speeds towards Toilet Seat. It is destroyed with one mighty blow. The cabin shakes.**

DC: General! Status report! 

Gen: uh, sir, we misfired slightly. I'm afraid our bumper is dentedurgharghle... 

**He is magically strangled by Darth Carp's mystical Jelly power. He dies as P.Y. looks on, horrified.**   
  


**Stay tuned to follow our plucky heroes into part 3!**   
  



	3. Part the Third

  
We thought about devoting this chapter to the fabulously handsome and witty stranger who came down from heaven to make our humble play the starring attraction that it was, but we never found out his name (rumour has it that he had several); *budweiser ad voice* so in his absence, this one's for you, Mr Shadow Moses, for reminding us of him occasionally, and for "letting Anna win" *cough*loser*cough* at pool; and here's another, for that thing on your chin ;P   
  


* * *

**Green Falcon pulls out of lightspeed and is showered in debris.**

H.L. - what's going on? Ciaby, where are we? 

C. - HUUUUUUUUU 

J.P. - I told you he was useless, Ben. 

H.L. - Look kid, this is the right place, but Toilet Seat is gone! 

J.P. - what do you mean, gone?! 

O.B. - I fear something terrible has happened. I felt a huge disturbance in the jelly, as if I heard one meeelion dollars.. I mean, people, cry out at once. 

C. - HUUUUUR 

H.L. - What? You're right! We're being attracted by something - we're in a tractor beam! There's nothing I can do! 

O.B. - Now remember what I told you, James. Trust your instincts. 

**Meanwhile, on board the Death Car...**

Captain - Sir we have pulled in a freighter ship which has the same markings as the one that escaped the K-Wings earlier. 

D.C. - Check it. 

**Starship Gerbils march on board the ship, then report to the general.**

S.G. - Ship's clean, sir. Reports show they abandoned ship right after we first got them. The escape pods are all gone 

D.C. Bring the scanners - we will search all areas of the ship. 

S.G. - Yes Sir. 

**On board the Green Falcon a little hatch opens and James and Han's heads pop up.**

J.P. - It's lucky you had these compartments! 

H.L. - I used them for smuggling Habijan Lettuce, but I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them. 

C. - HUUUUUR 

H.L. - Hey Ciaby, that only happened the one time! Anyway, the girl didn't mind. Now, Dingo, what's our plan?   


* * *

  


**A noise comes from inside the ship, and four starship gerbils enter to investigate. Five minutes later they come back out and shake their heads at the others outside. They all walk off and round the corner, then flatten themselves against the walls holding up their blasters and jellysabres. [James Bond music starts]. They make their way to the control room. Once they get into the control room the flea plugs into the socket and the door opens. The four gerbils remove their helmets to reveal our four adventurers.**

Flea - Bleepybloopbloop! 

J.P. - What? The princess? 

Flea - Bloopybloopybloopblublu 

J.P. - She's here? In cell block D? We have to find her! 

H.L. - Kid, we're not going after your princess. 

O.B. - the fate of the galaxy is in her hands now Toilet Seat is gone. She must be saved! 

H.L. - Listen, old dingo. I wasn't hired for a rescue mission. I'm only here to fly the damn ship. 

O.B. - Well you won't get anywhere with it in a tractor beam! 

H.L. - Ok then, me and Ciaby will deal with the beam, and you rescue the princess, but I warn you, if we get back and you're gone, we're leaving! 

J.P. - Then you won't get your money! 

H.L. - I'd rather lose my money than my life! 

O.B. - Leave the tractor beam to me - I know what I'm doing. You boys get the princess. 

Flea - blippybloppybloop? 

J.P. - you just stay here and stay in contact with these helmet radios. We'll need you to tell us where we're going. 

Flea - bipblopbloo 

H.L. - and don't forget to lock the door! 

J.P. - Now if you'll just let me put these handcuffs on you... 

C - HUUUUUURRRR 

J.P. - okay, you put the cuffs on him. 

H.L. - it's ok, Ciaby, I think I know what his plan is. 

Flea - Blipblopplaaaaaaaaah 

C. - HUUUUUURHUURRRRR 

H - No you stupid machine, it's a disguise!! Ciaby, don't you ever think of anything else? 

**H.L., J.P. and Ciabatta head off to the detention centre, with Han muttering something about 'kinky games'. There is a huge fight when they arrive and eventually they take over the control room.**

over the mic. - what's going on? What was all that noise? 

H.L. - erm, nothing to worry about, just a... celebration. We just heard that the Astro zero-gravity basketball team berat the Zxorgs 731 - 2. 

mic. - What? Really? Wow! That's - hang on a minute, the season finished last week! What're you - 

**Han shoots the speaker.**

H.L. - shocking... James, we're gonna have company, hurry it up! 

**James finds Princess Yak's cell, and goes in. He stares in awe at the princess as she wakes.**

P.Y. - aren't you a little tall and scaly for a gerbil? 

JP - Huh? Oh, the uniform. My name's James Pond, I'm here to rescue you. 

PY - RUBBISH! I don't believe a word of it! It's another trick, to make me talk! 

JP - no, really, look! 

**James removes his helmet.**

Here 

**He gives her a blaster.**

Come on, there isn't much time!   
  


**What will happen next? Read on, in Part 4!**   
  



	4. Part the Fourth

  
Here it is, finally, and extra long for the waiting! Well, no, not really, but it's here, at least. And for the first time, the Arnie Fan Club thought of the day, after a wonderful evening seeing Macbeth (in the cunning disguise of the 'Boromir fanclub, west london branch'): _"There is a God; and it's Sean Bean"_. I thank you.   
  


* * *

  


**Starship gerbils have blasted their way into the control room and Han and Ciaby have retreated up the corridor.**

PY - you seem to have just lost our only exit! Some rescue this is! 

HL - Well I'd like to see you get us out of here, your highnessness! 

PY - Fine! 

**She blasts at the wall behind Han and jumps down into the hole**

Come on! 

HL - wonderful Yak! I don't know whether to spit at her or lick her nose! 

**They all jump down into a big laundry room.**

JP - oh, a soft landing! 

HL - yeah, well there's no way out! Great idea, princess! 

PY - there must be a way out. Where does it all go? 

**suddenly...**

C - HUUUUUUURRplblplblplb 

HL - Ciaby! 

**Ciaby is pulled by his ankles into a huge pile of laundry.**

PY- quick, blast it! 

JP - no, the laundry will catch fire! 

**Han blasts it anyway. The laundry catches fire.**

JP - aaagh put it out put it out! 

HL - if you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to save the warthog! 

JP - never mind Ciaby, my breathing apparatus can't cope with smoke! 

HL - well you save the warthog, me and the princess can put out the fire. 

JP - oh wait, Flea, Flea, can you hear me? Switch on the sprinklers in the laundry room! 

Flea - bleepbloop? 

JP - Come on! The laundry room in the prison sector! 

Flea - BLEEEEP! Blop bleep bloop 

**Water starts sprinkling over the laundry, and Ciaby bursts out of the biggest pile strangling a huge serpant with a bra.**

HL - go, Ciaby, go! 

PY - stop your kinky games, we need a way out! 

C - HUUUUUUUR 

**The serpent drops dead into a pile of laundry with a gurgle**

HL - yeah, way to go! Lucky some of those gerbils wear elasticated underwear - oh no, that's a bad image - 

PY - Llamas. You can't take 'em anywhere. Ciaby, don't you ever think of anything else?! 

HL - he doesn't... 

**In the background they hear a door slam, and metal grinding against metal**

PY - what was that? 

C - HUUUUUURRRR 

**The walls start closing in on them**

HL - uh oh 

JP - Flea! Flea! Shut down the walls in the laundry room! 

**Soapy water starts to flood in**

HL - we're going to be part of a wash cycle!! 

JP - AAAAGH FLEA! 

PY - I can't swim 

**Han sniggers**

JP - shut up and do something! 

HL - like what, kid? 

JP - climb up or something! Flea! 

F - Bloop bleep 

HL - can't that flea work any faster? 

PY - Help.... urgh urgh... I'm drowning........ 

Flea - BLEEEEEp 

**The water stops, and starts to drain away.**

JP - AAHH I'm being sucked in! 

PY - AGGHHHHBLUBLUBLUBblublbublbub 

**They are all sucked down a long pipe and land in a big wet pile of trash.**

C - HURHURRRRR! 

H.L. - come on, let's get out of here! 

**The door to the waste unit opens, and James, Princess Yak and H & C climb out spluttering and leave the room. As the four of them head back to the ship, they run into a group of starship gerbils.**

HL - We'll head them off! GO, take the princess to the ship! 

JP - But... 

HL - GO! 

**Han charges at the gerbils, they retreat and chases them with Ciaby close behind. The gerbils run into a room and shut the door. Han and C hi-five, then turn round to see another big group of gerbils running towards them. They are trapped. Han suddenly looks above the gerbils and shouts "Look - Elephant!". The gerbils all look up, and H & C crawl through their legs and run through a door and shut it behind them. They are standing on a ledge in front of a huge ravine with a ledge on the other side. They realise there is no way across and the gerbils are close to getting the door open. Ciaby pulls a rope from his utility belt and hooks it onto a post. Han kisses him on the cheek.**

HL - for luck! 

**They swing across and run through the corridor as the starship gerbils blast through the door. They escape back to the Green Falcon.**

HL - I hope that dingo took out the traction beam!   


* * *

  


**Meanwhile... **

O-Bendy-Dingo has shut down the traction beam and is on his way to the Green Falcon. He turns the corner to see Darth Carp standing with his jelly-sabre ready to fight. 

DC - O-Bendy-Dingo. I sensed your presence here - you have failed. You cannot defeat me. 

OB - Stand and fight, Carp. 

**Darth Carp arms his Jellysabre, and attacks O-Bendy-Dingo. OB fights him off. Some starship Gerbils are distracted by the fight and go to watch, while Ciabatta, James, Princess Yak and Flea escape towards the ship. OB sees this and disarms himself.**

OB - Carp, if you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can imagine. 

**DC raises his lightsabre, then JP notices and shouts from the Green Falcon.**

JP - O-Bendy-Dingo! Don't do it! 

**OB spins towards him and one of the Starship Gerbils blows off his head.**

JP - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

DC - You IDIOT! 

**Darth Carp strides over to the Gerbil and with one swipe of his jellysabre the gerbil's head is on the floor. When he returns, O-Bendy-Dingo's body has vanished, all that remains is his jelly robes.**

HL - come on, James. Ciaby, let's go! I just hope he managed to disable the beam... 

**Ciaby fires up the engine and they fly out of the Death Car, as the Starship Gerbils shoot at them. Once out, they zip into hyperspace.**

C. - HUUUUUURRRR? 

HL - yeah, where ARE we going? 

PY - Now Toilet Seat is gone, we must go to Falderaa, where the last base of the Rebel Alliance is. It's our only hope. 

HL - you know, I'm going above and beyond my call of duty as a pilot here. I'll want paying extra - James promised! 

PY - oh don't worry, you'll have your money! 

**She turns to James, who is still shellshocked.**

You know, he didn't die in vain. He sacrificed himself to help us get the plans to POO. 

JP - I know that, but I still can't help thinking it was my fault. 

PY - Rubbish! Now I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. 

**She goes out.**

HL - man, I dig that cute hairy little Princess' butt. Do you think that a Llama like me and a Yak like her.. 

JP - NO. 

Ciaby - HUURRRRRR! HUrrURRRR!! 

JP - Ciaby, that's just DISGUSTING. Doesn't he ever think of anything else? 

**HL grins...**   
  
  


**Join us again, for the weakest... uh, I mean strongest... chapter *winks* (ok, that was lame, but did you SEE her on Have I got News for You? Anne Robinson KICKS IAN HISLOPS GNOMEY BEHIND!!)**   
  



	5. Part the Fifth

  
It's been a bit of a while since the last chapter, we know. Apologies to anyone actually reading this. (Review! Please!). Still, now the confusion and holidays are over, things will be quicker. Maybe.   
  


* * *

  
  


On Toiletseat, three days later... 

**James is sitting on the wing of the Green Falcon in a huge hanger, playing Tetris on a little gameboy thingy. Han comes in.**

HL - Hey, James, are you coming to the meeting? They finally decoded the Flea's plans! 

JP - I thought you were leaving. 

HL - Well, I've got loads of repairs to do, and they have to get my reward together, so I figured I'd hang around for a few more days. So are you coming? 

JP - No. I just don't feel up to it. 

HL - Listen, kid, there's no use pining over the dingo. He's gone, and I don't think he wanted you to sit around playing Tetris all day. 

JP - There just doesn't seem any point any more... 

**Han sighs and goes out. Suddenly a vent on the top of the Green Falcon goes pssssssssss and smoke pours out. James jumps, and Han runs back in. "Ciabatta! What the hell have you done now? Hey kid, are you ok? Jimbo?" James is watching the smoke as it forms a face slowly...**

O-Bendy-Dingo's face in cloud - James 

JP - Ben? 

OB cloud - James, you have forgotten me 

JP - no, how could I? 

OB - you have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. You are my son... I mean, you are a spy, and the one true Jelly. Remember who you are. Remember... 

JP - No! Ben! Don't leave me! 

OB - (whispers) Remember.... 

JP - come back.... 

**OB reappears in the smoke**

OB - oh sorry, I forgot. You must go to the Sega system, and seek out Yodel. Bye now! 

**O-Bendy disappears again, and James waves his hands around in the smoke, looking for him.**

JP - O-Bendy! Tell me more, please! 

HL - Oh squiggly mackerals! Ciaby you great smelly son of a nimrock, tighten that screw up, will you! Sorry James, I hope it didn't scare you. Hey are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost! 

JP - No, Han. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. 

HL - Um, great! I'd better get going, I'll come and fix this after the meeting. 

JP - I think I will come too, on second thoughts. 

HL - Great!   


* * *

**The two go to the meeting and sit down, where the other members of the resistance are already assembled... standing in front of them are the Princess, and a large, shaky-looking parrot.**

PY - here is Admiral Polly, to outline our plans. 

Admiral Polly - SQUAAAK! PRETTY! SQUAAA - oh, oh, I'm so sorry. Ehem. With these plans obtained by Princess Yak and her team we have found the battle-station's weakness. As the rebel fleet attacks the death car a team of three Oxo cubes will enter the station here. (points to plans). The three Oxo cubes will fly through the exhaust pipe avoiding enemy fire and will fire a "LASER". 

JP whispers - What's an OXO cube? 

HP - oh, it's military jargon. it's a one-man craft, Orange X One stealthers. 

Admiral Polly - quiet at the back there! 

JP - Sorry. 

AP - Sorry! Sorry! SQUAAAK! Sorry! Sorry! 

PY - Admiral! Snap out of it! 

**The princess slaps the Admiral around the beak, and gives him a glass of water.**

JP whispers - what's wrong with him? 

An old pilot on the other side of him whispers - Oh, he's a great parrot, is Admiral Polly, a great mind, but he was in the great Parrotoonian battle of SQUAAK Bridge, and he lost all his primary tail feathers. Permanently affected him, poor guy. 

Admiral - I beg your pardon. So, the Oxo cubes will fire a "LASER" at a small target, and you must pull out quickly, because the "LASER" will cause a chain reaction and enter straight into the main engines, destroying the death car. 

JP - Well, that doesn't sound too hard... 

Admiral - first a small team must shut down the primary windshield from the underwater moon of Eggwhisk, which the death car is orbiting. The windshield must be shattered before we can attack. 

JP - Ah. 

AP - This squad has yet to be decided - our attack on the death car will not take place for a while, as our fleet is not yet assembled. So don't get complacent. Meeting dismissed. Help yourselves to digestives and mint tea.   


* * *

  


**The next day; Han has finished his repairs, and is ready to go - he and Princess Yak are in the middle of a heated argument in the docking bay, as Ciaby loads on board the last of the karaoke equipment.**

Hl - Oh come on! Are you trying to say you don't feel anything for me? 

PY - that's exactly what I'm saying! 

HL - I've seen the way you look at me. You can't deny it. 

PY - you're imagining things. 

HL - Come on, you're never going to see me again. You can at least give me a goodbye kiss! 

PY - I'd sooner kiss a warthog! 

Hl - that can be arranged! Hey, where's James? I can't believe he wouldn't say goodbye. What's that? 

**He sees a note stuck to the door of the Green Falcon.**

_"Dear all I have gone to the Sega system, to find a Jelly master. I will return before the final assault. See you all soon! James P.S. - Goodbye Han, I know we'll meet again. Take care! P.P.S. - XXXX for Princess Yak!"_

HL -whispers - Good luck, kid. **out loud** Here, this is for you 

**He throws the letter at Princess yak.**

HL - So this is goodbye 

PY - I guess so. 

**Han climbs into the Green Falcon and starts up the engine. He gives a little wave to the princess, fires up the engines, and flies off into the distance. PY stands watching it go, then reads the letter. She wipes a tear from her eye and turns to go, when Ciaby runs out from the corridor, waving a purple microphone.**

C - HUUUUUUUURRR!!! 

PY - Oh dear God. 

**A few minutes later the Green Falcon flies back into the hanger. Han comes out, PY looks at him.**

HL - erm.... I forgot the warthog. 

PY - I see. 

HL - well I'll just take Ciaby here and we'll be off... 

C - HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURR 

HL - What?? 

C - HUuUUUUUUUUURRRR 

HL - (to PY) - excuse us. 

to C - what do you mean you don't want to go? 

C - HUUUURHUUUURHURHUUUURRRR! 

HL - An agent? Here?! This is no time to be thinking of your career, we've got to pay off Martha! 

C - HUUUURRRRR! 

HL - He'll send off bounty hunters! 

C - HURRHURHUIRHUURHUUUR! 

HL - Okay, okay. Fine. We'll stay. After all, we're gonna die one way or the other! 

C - HUUURRR 

HL - oh shut up, you stinking son of a nimrock. You got what you wanted! 

C - HUUUURRRRR 

HL - yeah, yeah, it's okay. I kinda like it here too. 

**He turns to the Princess.**

Hey, it turns out we're not leaving after all! Bet you're really happy, eh? 

PY - ecstatic.   


* * *

  
  


**Will James meet his Jelly Master before he gets the top score at Tetris? Will O-Bendy ever come back again? Why is the fate of the Rebellion held in a palsied parrot's pinfeathers? And will Ciaby ever realise his dreams? Find out, next time! (Which will hopefully be a little sooner this time)**   
  



End file.
